Saturday, May 7, 2011

me my Self and I

I find myself with this need to reflect on my Self, become reacquainted with my Self, or maybe even honor my Self. It is a need that I have had before, often even. Maybe it's the artist in me or the fact that I'm sensitive, spiritual, or always have had a bit of wanderlust. Or maybe because I'm so endlessly busy taking care of everyone else all the time that I have little to no time left for myself. I feed, bathe, clothe, and comfort everyone else before myself. My idea of alone time is using the bathroom with 1 not 2 people in the room with me and 24 hours a day 7 days a week I am on call and must be ready for duty with less than a moments notice whether I am sick, tired, working, sleeping, or god forbid trying to have an adult evening out. Really though who knows where it comes from but still- lately the need has become a nag, a presence, a force of it's own.

So I reflect, and I realize for the first time ever with quite certainty that I have no Self. My Self (or any sense there of) has splintered into millions of fractured little fragments and divided, multiplied and combined to form the two distinct beings that have come forth from my body. Their flesh is of my flesh, blood of my blood, laughter of my heart, being of my conscience. My thoughts of them are a constant. My worries of them endless, my dreams for them insatiable. There is no end to me or beginning to them. Yet- they are individuals, every day they grow and learn and change and I can see their Selfs develop and evolve. They become increasingly independent, and increasingly they are these other little people who are so separate from me.
But still I can't find my Self without them because I am this new formation of me.. because of them in spite of them and thanks to them I will never be just me again. Nor would I ever want to be.

I look and them and mourn how few minutes there are in a day. I can't hold them long enough, soak them in enough. When at last they fall asleep at night I often (but not always) have to fight the urge to wake them up so I can enjoy 2 more minutes of their smiles and bright eyes. I absolutely curse time because how ever long there is I promise you there will not be enough time with them. I love them. I need them. I am them.
So here I sit, I write, I bathe in this irony- in motherhood- in being me and being a mom.

What better day to start documenting my reflections on this journey, happy mother's day.


  1. Thank you for sharing Robin! I have tears in my eyes as I write this. There are so many feelings and emotions wrapped up in motherhood. And you are so right, it never feels as if there enough time. I worry all the time that I'm missing it all as I get caught up in the day-to-day stuff. And at the same time too I wonder who I am, what my idea of self is. This is something I struggled with before motherhood and even more so now! Yet it is so important to always be aware and minduful, even if we don't find all the answers..I think the journey will be an important one for me and my children!

  2. thank you for your words caitlin! i am a true believer that the people you surround yourself with can make or break this journey, i am happy to have you in my life!